 |
| Camp Swim Time |
Now that summer is upon us
my Facebook page is rife with posts about swimsuits and modesty. I want to
begin by saying that I place a high value on modesty and have read both links I
have received (one that is very popular right now of Jessica Rey speaking) and
one that I have only seen once. Further, I want to say that I place a value so
high on it that I am concerned with the way it is treated and taught in the
church (when I refer to the church I mean the body of believers as a whole and
the place we meet).
I am troubled with the
church in the state that is in today in quite a few ways and I freely admit that
as a woman this particular aspect affects me. However, if it only affects me
and not also a significant other half of the population I would not be so
impelled to write about it. An attitude and teaching that is perpetuated like
this keeps us divided, unequal, and therefore, makes it difficult to use all of
one's abilities to reach out to those within and outside of the body of
believers-to love our neighbor as deeply as we should, the neighbor that we see
next to us in the pew, in a store, and on the internet.
The church I grew up in had
a few rules when it came to any sort of outing and a large percentage pertained
to the way we dressed, most of it being directed to the female population of
the league of extraordinary youth. We had rules about sleeveless shirts, the
length of our shorts, the tightness of our clothes, and, the most layered, what
we could swim in. The girls were required not only to wear a one piece swimsuit
but to also wear a T-shirt and shorts over the swimsuit. Don’t forget that the
t-shirt could not be thin or white and the shorts still had to measure the
correct length. And I don't mean TO the pool I mean IN the pool. The boys did
have to wear a shirt as well.
We also had a Sunday School
series that was called “Someday…A Marriage Without Regrets.” It covered roles
of men and women, communication, etc., etc. I don’t remember a lot about it but
I do remember a few scenes that have stuck in my head. I remember them as
clearly as I would like to on an emotional level but not as clearly as I would
like to for purposes of sharing. That being said, one particular scene: a
girl-tall and beautiful- standing up in front of our class both boys and girls.
The question was about modesty. When I say “modesty” I mean the definition that
Christians have come up with to mean the way that a woman dresses. The boys
were encouraged to answer as this girl stood in front of the class while the
teacher said: “If _____ was your girlfriend and she was dress in such and such
a way…” I don't remember specific words but I remember shame. I remember I
wanted her to sit down, feeling embarrassed for her, I wanted to tell the proud
answer givers my opinion but sat there, instead, knowing that a differing view
was not actually welcome; knowing that I was an exemplary youth and that if I
said something against it I might be looked at as less, embarrassed that I
should be sitting in shame and not the in the glory that God made me- God’s
glorious image. There was shame of my body, shame of sex, shame of being a woman.
I remember being angry-angry that she was standing there helpless while guys
were allowed to criticize her and all womanhood in a roundabout way; while guys
were allowed to be above us; while guys were allowed to be unaccountable.
Once again, I believe that
modesty is a virtue something to be pursued. I believe in the right of men to
want a “lady” but also in the right of a “lady” to desire a “gentleman.” I
believe that God calls all of us to help each other and that modesty in dress
is beneficial. I also believe that modesty does not have only to do with
outward appearance and that humility, modesty, and self-control should be
expected in men. I believe that a man’s desire is not uncontrollable and that
his lust is a choice. I believe also that there is a very real problem not
addressed- this problem is that the church does not acknowledge the very real
feeling, desires, and nature that a woman deals with as well. That the call for
women to be the “gatekeepers” of purity leads to them having to tend to a man’s
desire and hold back her own as well. It is taught that women are reactors so
that any desire she feels has not originated in her but has come out of
desiring affection or previous lack of affection in her life, want to please,
or debasement. Ironically, while this shows our lack of spirituality a man can
be fully spiritual when he admits to being lustful. In fact, he is now fully a
man.
The series that my Youth
Group did led to many discussions about women and modesty both from our
teachers and within the youth group from teen to teen. It led to male youth
feeling "led" and very proud that they could come up to a girl and
let them know that their particular outfit was "making them stumble,” thereby,
shaming her but elevating himself somehow. There was no shame for their
stumbling, only toward the stumbling block. No matter how hard we would have
tried or decently we dressed their mind was their own stumbling block. There
was no love and there was no humility. There was no modesty in their attitude.
Modesty-
1. Having or showing a moderate or humble
estimation of one’s merits, importance, etc.; free from vanity, egotism,
boastfulness, or great pretensions.
2. Free from ostentation or showy extravagance
3. Having
or showing regard for the decencies of behavior, speech, dress, etc.; decent.
PART TWO
We are all called to
humility, modesty, and love. As men and women we are equal and different-then
again, not so different really. We must
all uphold one another. We must not perpetuate women as less, women as seducers
(I was taught about the “strange” woman and her luring of men), women’s desire
as unnatural (looking only to please and for affection), women’s responsibility
as sole gatekeeper, women’s gullibility.
One more story. I was on Youth
Drama Team at our church. We regularly presented skits and plays before the
sermon at our Friday night youth gatherings. So many of them were powerful and
I remember being affected by quite a few of the characters I played, all in a
good way even when it was painful emotionally. However, I do remember being
required to be in a certain skit that I am still ashamed to have been a part. A
boy in our youth group, being inspired by all of the talk about modesty and
girl’s dress, wrote a skit. It was approved and my best friend and I were
picked to do the two parts it required. I remember reading it and being
conflicted, memorizing it and feeling ashamed and angry. The skit featured two
female biblical characters (I believe it was Jezebel and Potiphar’s Wife) discussing
modesty and all of the hurtful thinking that has been spouted by the Christian
church was packed in that little space of ten minutes. I cannot even quote the
script verbatim because I don’t have it anymore. I kept almost all of the
scripts I received but not that one. I grimace thinking about that play. I was
so ashamed after the skit I didn't want to come out of the changing
room afterward. Funnily, I remember my best friend doing a pretend tease and
saying: “Take it off, take it all off” while we were changing, which was pretty
clever considering what we had just done. I think we were both ashamed
Ironically, I did glance at myself and my outfit in the mirror on my way out
and wonder if it met all the standards it should.
This is all a problem because it focuses on how we relate to men and not to
God. It makes our lives centered on them, not around God. It makes men
elevated, and women left alone. It creates a culture that faults anything that
happens to a woman's body and emotions to her lack of spirituality. It stunts
women's creativity, talents, and gifts. It stunts the work the church can be
doing in this world that needs us. Not just the teaching that modesty and the
suffusion of male lust is up to the woman, but the thoughts that molded that
idea in the first place and then the attitude it perpetuates.
Men, we will uphold you. We will try to act modestly, dress modestly, and
behave so-for God. And we ask you to do the same. Act with humility and do not
blame your lustful thoughts and actions on anyone but yourself. You are in
control of them. Also, we need your help because we do not lack desire-physical
desire. We have desire both for love and for your body. We enjoy the sight of
your body, your looks, and your touch as well and not just when we are loved or
think we are loved by you. We believe that you can be hurt by a physical
relationship without love just as we can and that we can enjoy a physical
relationship without love just as you can (though neither of us should). Act
with modesty in speech, in manner, toward us. Act with responsibility just as
we will.
