I am the kind of person who cannot work in a mess. I will clean up the mess so that I can do the other thing I needed to do in that same room. I pick up after myself. I leave things cleaner than they were when I came. That's just how I am. I feel like I never get to enjoy the fruits of my labor and it always seems like one big circle because I end up cleaning up after everyone. I don't expect spotlessness just a little consideration. However, this isn't supposed to be an epistle on cleanliness, it is just to say that it makes life discouraging when it feels like all you do is run around in a circle. That statement brings me to my main focus. I realize that life is made up of small, beautiful moments. Sometimes we get to travel or do something really exciting, but each day there is usually a beautiful thing that makes your heart swell or at least makes you smile. I want to try to write down each day that beautiful thing. Seeing it written helps and I can go back and look at all the beautiful moments my life is made up of...
This what I wrote the night I started it, Bobby and I were fighting and it was something small but important that happens over and over. Even though it is something we need to work on, it was ruining the night because I couldn't get over it and that is something I need to work on. Here it is:
November 14, 2009
I need to remember to live life
I need to take a moment each day to think about the beautiful things like Elijah laughing and smiling at me and so on.
I need to not focus so hard on my faults or on Bobby’s he has so many good traits and I love him, his faults are habits and not statements that he does not care about me or think of me or consider me.
Remember when we fight I can’t take care of every problem in one night, I can’t discuss everything I am worried about or unhappy with or that we need to improve all in one night.
The beginning of journaling my beautiful things:
November 14, 2009- beautiful thing
Bobby and I had an argument and when we do I cannot sleep because I mull over all he said and do not know what was said out of anger and what is true and how he views me and I think and think and get upset and stay upset. He was very tired and I had kept him up even to the point of us getting out of bed. I apologized for keeping him up and he said “it is worth it if it makes you feel better.” It made my heart swell with love for him.
November 15, 2009
Playing Streetfighter 2 with Bobby and kicking his butt!
November 16, 2009
Listening to "Kindred Spirits" which is the CD that Bobby made me and played the night he asked me to marry him. As I listened I could see the night perfectly. His exceitement, his careful planning, dancing, so happy that he was home for a couple of days, and the proposal.
November 17, 2009
Bobby came home dressed up in his work clothes, dress shirt, slacks, and a tie, looking so professional (and handsome) but when he saw me with Elijah, he dropped his work satchel, took him from me and smiled the biggest smile as he talked to his son. That makes me so happy and watching that love for our baby increases my love for Bobby.